Mind Matters

Had i stopped for one minute to realize that i was actually going insane through my pregnancy and even when mikiya was in NICU,had i realized after the fact that even dealing with a preemie at home could at times cause you to lose your mind,it wasn't until after all the bad scarey times that i had realized that i was going down a road to destruction,yes i blamed myself,i blamed myself for something that i had no control over,i didn't cause it, and i couldn't fix it,i didn't realize how crazy i was until after,by after i mean now,my mind is clear,but i look back at those pictures and i seem to fall apart all over again,they sicken me,they enrage me,my body makes me sick...does that sound normal,i'm 30 going on 50,this is not fare,i wanted four children ,technically i have five,i lost two babies in between.But the reality of now knowing i will never have anymore also destroy's me.Can you believe that i have a 97% chance of going through all this if i get pregnant again...thats not fare to me...not fare to another baby that has to cling to life and i don't want to watch that again,i don't want to watch my baby struggle to breathe.What gets me through life as a mom to a micro preemie,is knowing that there are others out there that have been there have gone through the same things and have kept going...i look at Mikiya and not for moment do i dought that child,i know i made the right choices.