Mikiya's start

2011-05-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

2011-05-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

Lets get back on track!!

2011-05-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

Mikiya just celebrated her 5th birthday!!!

We sure have had many trials and much error,however looking back seems as though it was a piece of cake.
Every year that mikiya grows older gives us better chances,gives us more hope!
I can honestly say that i wouldnt have done it any other way,i have no regrets.

2011-05-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

In the wee hours of yesterday morning (1:30am) my grandmother @ 76 yrs old was exsperiencing chest pains that woke her from a sound sleep,she was able to make it too the kitchen and take 2 aspirin,then over to the phone,she called my mother and told her that she was in trouble.
My mother picked her up and took her to the E.R.
She was admitted right away and was in deed facing heart attack.
From we understand today she is awaiting a bed in hamilton for angioplasty,or maybe even a pacemaker.
From what i understand about this in medical terms is that her S.A node is dysfunctional.
Her heart cannot maintain a normal rythym.
I spent the day with her today and even though her spirits are well she was distand at times in thought.
She is high risk at the moment for a massive heart attack,when asked about her options she signed a D.N.R.....DO NOT RESESITATE.
So the doctor says ...if you have a heart attack,we will just let you go,she answered ,yup!
As much as her answer upset me,it still bothered me to know that she is just giving up,i understand what she is saying as well,and wanting to die with dignity.
I find it funny how you end up looking back and wondering if you gave that person enough,was i the grandaughter that she was proud of...i feel i was,but i think with grandparents you dont get enough time.
I only had one set of grandparents,my grandfather passed away when i was 15 and that was hard,but i think this is going to be harder.

2011-01-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure through all this fighting if i have achieved anything,i mean i won by getting mikiya in school,but how much schooling does she actually attend...well really,not much.
She started school on september 15th without one person asking about taxes.
However there hasn't been a day that she has been sympton free,the average healthy child gets sick every 14-28 days,mikiya is sick again before she has fought off the last one.
She is a resiliant child with an amazing attitude,whom says she is sick all the time because i accepted her that way...remember the fight mommy...remember?

Ok so maybe this child has heard too much and is really following in her mothers foot steps..i guess its true the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

We have recently run into new developements with mikiya's health,the doctors fear that with her being so sick recently and attenting school that mikiya is right on the verge of her lungs collapsing again,this almost killed her two years ago.
The doctor has ordered that we have a compressor at home,along with the medication that goes in the machine,it will be portable and easy for her to carry around.

2010-09-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

This is a copy of the letter that i will be sending out to all city officials and parliment.

2010-09-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern,
In April 2006 i delivered by c-section a 3lb baby girl that was not exspected to live,actually she was not exspected to even be born alive,a few short days mikiya was down to 1 lb 3ozs and gravely ill,and again not exspected to survive.
During her 3 1/2 months in neonatal intensive care at McMaster Childrens Hospital,it was brought to my attention that mikiya would require a feeding tube surgically implanted into to her already tiny body before she would even be considered to go home,however after approval was granted for the surgery i was phoned by the pediatric surgeon whom had refused the surgery,stating that he could not perform the surgery as mikiya would never make it off of the table because of her lung condition.
Three days later she was released and sent to the Greater Niagara General Hospital where she stayed for less then two weeks,she was labeled with an eating dissorder and they feared that she would fail to thrive.
Fortunetly after exstensive research i came up with my own plan so that mikiya would be able to sustain weight and grow at a regular pace,and only appear just shy of other children her age.
I was accredited by several doctors as we had defied their thoughts.
Mikiya was kept alive by an oscillating machine and even put into a coma so that the machines could work with her and her not work against them.
Since then many medical issue\s have risen with mikiya,to date she has officially been diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypoplasia,chronic lung disease of prematurity,hypoplastic lung syndrome and migrating rhuematoid arthritis which is still being investigated.
Mikiya to date is a normal looking 4 year old,anxious to start school and really just be with other kids,however mikiya's health prevents that sometimes as she is susseptible to germs and bacteria,when mikiya catches cold,which she does often,it becomes life threatening,at 3 years old both of mikiyas lungs collapsed after having her at the emergency room 4 timmes.
I have watched my daughter grow with what doctors have described as no hope,unfortunetly i have hope,and i have faith and i believe in miracles,i have seen them before my very eyes.
We have been dismissed by many doctors and have met others that have brightened my world.
When mikia first came home she slept in a crib right next to my bed,as she got bigger and suffered more apneas,she slep in my bed,to this day she still sleeps in my bed for fear that she stops breathing,and she has.
I have not had a full nights sleep or a good deep rested sleep in 3 1/2 years,every morning when i wake i always turn to watch that mikiya's chest is still rising.
She still has an eating dissorder which is monitored very closely and remains on supplements that ensure proper weight management and vitamin supply.
At this date mikiya is 4 years old and weighs 27 lbs,she is tall with a slim build and has blonde hair with blue eyes.
I will appeal disabilities denial,and i will fight for my daughters rights,i don't take it lightly that mikiya was denied however,a drug addict that uses methadone can recieve disability because they are too stoned to work and keep a job.
There is something wrong there.
I have also registered mikiya for school and have run into problems there,she so far is being denied an education because the school doesn't know nor have a protocol for a situation like this,protocol would be that if something happens at school....call 911.
Instead,the school wanted me to get a medical release so that mikiya could attend...and i did.
Once the paper work was in i had to sign forms so that the school board could gain access to mikiyas medical records.
Now,i have to wait for the actual school board to make a decision,and attend a meeting that will be open for dicussion.
The principal at the school asked why i would even want mikiya to attend school...my answer was simple....because it's her right to have an education,sick or not!
Then she asked if i would consider waiting and putting her in school for grade one,mikiya doesn't have a learning disability,she has a growing and breathing disability.
So where i stand is here..the government says mikiya isn't sick enough,yet the school board says she's too sick and she's a liability.
Could disability's denial be based upon dollar signs,and how they would owe me back pay for the last 4 years,of course thats it,thats why they wanted me to terminate a pregnancy that took me 3 years to achieve,they didn't want another government assisted child.
So now i ask for help from the public and officials,i want some answers.
After monday i will contact news rooms and newspapers.
Without predjudice and with the best intentions
Shelley Murdock

'All Gone'

2010-01-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Mikiya donned gorgoeus blonde hair that flowed all the way down to her bum,
We have had a battle lately when mikiya's hair started really getting in her way,
a chronic complainer about sitting on her hair...and tangles.....my god the tangles.

With hairdressing behind me,i finally grabbed my shears and in one swoop.....it was gone!

Mikiya's hair grows so fast,i cut inches off every month only to follow with the same problems,so i brought it too her shoulders,holy cuteness,it looks great!

And will be back to her butt cheeks by spring.

Entertainment Overload

2010-01-03T17:55:00.000-08:00

I hope i entertain my readers.......i'm sure i do!

So travelling with my dad too Mac....a task in which i hope to never have to do again.....need i say more,(for entertainments sake ...i will).

I know how to get to Mac with my eyes closed,i know the long way and through the city way,so i tell him which cut off to take and he misses,sooo......we get off the next exit,then he misses the turn to get back on the highway,my dad being older and feisty and of course old school decides he will just reverse on a busy street and boom we're good,not the case.
We are in reverse,and some guy pulls up on us,my dad sticks his head out of the car and asks the guy to go around ,the guy says no....i'm paicked thinking the worst,now my dad is the worst person to have an altercation with...things are not looking good,he goes to get out of the car and finally the guy steps on it and gets out of there.

We are trying to reverse,and i'm telling him how illegal and dangerous this is....and he just isn't saying a word....but he continues.

We get to Mac,finally see the doctor,and she is asking me questions...well grandpa here is takingthe words out of my mouth and yapping at the doctor,he spoke so much that the doctor thought he was my husband.......errrrrr....uhhhh...OMG!!!!!

After having a great chat with this doc,whom i thought was fantastic,she took the time to hear mikiya's struggles right from the beginning,she even looked at all her paper work and files...i was impressed.
Turns out that my suspicions were confirmed true,mikiya's heartbeat does stop every third beat.is it a new problem...nope it's old,just one i wasn't aware of...well ok not really.

Mikiya was born with hypoplastic lungs syndrome,she also has pulmonary hypoplasia,causinh her heart rate to be faster then normal....so this is considered a regular irregular heartbeat.
When her lungs collapsed in march,further testing should have been done once she healed,she wasn't watched closely so of course problems arose,when i suggested to the pediatrician that something wasn't right he just shrugged his shoulders.

Again with Dr.Donkor...i win buddy,but mikiya is the one who loses.....cause your an ass!!

Since that visit to the doctor that the day,we have already been given another appointment and attended,they fixed mikiya up with a heart monitor and still we await those results.

And i'm sure i will look into mikiya's big blue eye's with her cocky little attitude,and wonder about the mysterious little angel that blesses my life each and everyday, be thankful everytime she runs and screams...and continue to call her mikiya defiance murdock.

2009-12-15T20:03:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to post more and keep up the beat with our lives,if i repeat something that i have posted before,please forgive me as i seem to be brain dead lately.

A few months ago when we really became active in seeking new doctors we came across a few diagnosis that were pretty far fetched and some that hit really close to home!

After seeing an orthopedic specialist we recieved a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis,thus being true and a diagnosis that we were looking for,i mean don't get mewrong,i don't want her to have that but reality is........she has it!

Second came hyper syndrome.....pne i didn't want,hyper syndrome is a condition well like the curious case of benjamin button,but the oposite,where the body is born young and grows old before it's time,so mikiya being three was equal to her actually being some late 40's to early 50's,and most of her symptoms fit except the fact that in order to get a full diagnosis,upon testing you have to score a number of 23,mikiya scored a 21,close...very close but not close enough and trust me that couple of digits makes a huge difference.

Then came leujemia......the dreaded words of.....Mrs.Murdock,mikiya has cancer!!
Let's talk about jaw dropping,i cried for days ,weeks!

After some research we had found out that migrating rhuematoid arthritis can mock leukemia.....now why don't doctors tell people this?
We were seeking the best medical,and we also sought alternative medicine and took our child to see a medicine man.

Now i'm not a sceptic and i'am married to a native and have native children and i 'am under the impression that my child has cancer.
Soooo....we go to many appointments and this man is sure that he can sure my child,when all is said and done we take mikiya back to be checked and to see where her platlets are at this point....and bam,the dropped.

Was it themedicine man that claimed he could cure my daughter,the magic of god...the creator,or perhaps sheer hope...i'm gunna go with medical nuttiness!!

Now onto better things here....happier things.

I can't ask for a better life,i have my children,i have mikiya!!
And.....i have 7 puppy's!
Yup...seven,my sadie and my tiny,one being a pug and the other a chihuahua...hooked up!....literally,58 days later in the wee hours of the morning troy awoke me and said sadie was having her pups on my newly carpeted living room floor.

So,now i have ten dogs in my house,my living room now smells like a barn and the pups whom i'am ever so attached too will be ready for new homes come xmas eve...YAY!

January...tiny will be fixed....march,sadie will be fixed.
Mikiya wants to keep a puppy all for herself,which will bring our total to four keepers...and i sadly will be THE CRAZY DOG LADY.....that lives down the street.

I think i'am out of my mind crazy....3 kids..all the dogs and pups,a full time job...a landlord...ahhhh!!!

Tomorrow we are heading to Mac once again to see a respirologist,my car is broken so we will be travelling with my dad.....this ought to be entertaing..frusterating...uhhh dunno.

2009-12-13T20:11:00.000-08:00

They had better keep up with me!!!

2009-12-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy five months,running all over following schedules and doctors appointments,still running dog rescue and now a landlord of a 42 unit townhouse complex.
I'm a sucker for my own punishment!
I have finally gotten a doctor to listen to my concerns and take me seriously,she found the heart problem that we are now watching.
We have also been to see a rhuematologist,are going to see a respirologist,and a cardiac specialist,an allergist as well.
Our appointments go far into late january and are usually weekly runs to McMaster.
We have not been back to see our local pediatrician.
Mikiya continues with pain in her limbs and we finally got a scrip for a pain killer,it's not something i really want to give her,but then again i can't watch her suffer either.
She continues to grow very well,weight gain is still slow but productive.

Mikiya will be 4 in four months,she doesn't look four,her hair is now down to her butt,the more i cut it the more it grows,the faster it grows.
She has done fantastic and i'am proud of her,i'am proud of my other two children as well.

New Pics

2009-07-01T20:21:00.001-07:00

2009-07-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

WOW,it's certainly been a while since i have given my two cents here,maybe that's for the better,but i have been a busy mom out on the prowl again.

By prowl i mean on the search for any doctor who will give a crap and not brush us off,we were brushed off by our own pediatrician who has recently turned 65 and has sudden memory loss,should he be a physician at this point...heavens no retire before i lose my mind.

A doctor that cannot remember whom he is speaking with let alone treating cannot be for the better.

He forgot who mikiya was even after we have been visiting every 28 days,he forgot about her medical history and what was going on.

After mikiya's lungs collapsed in march she just hasn't been right,her stamina has been lowered and she has had boughts of which i had assumed were apnea's,i discussed these issue's with him and he dissmissed them,i had asked about feet and their alignment and again dismissed.

I had become overcome with worry as mikiya would repeatadly stop breathing in her sleep and after me having to shake her to awaken her would she finally start breathing again.
I thought i would ask him about it one last time before i went above,and i did,again we were tossed to the side.

So i called McMaster Hospital where mikiya was born and i did just that,i went over his head,he wouldn't give me the referrals that i wanted and i told a pediatrician there just that.
I would learn after bitch fest 2009 that the doctor that i was speaking with was the professor that had taught our pediatrician,she was nowhere near impressed,she made it a point to call our pediatrician and asked as to why i was not being taken seriously,i don't know what his answer was but we did get an appointment at Mac,and when we did we finally got those referrals that were so desperatly needed.

So now we sit and wait to see a cardiologist-heart and lung specialist,a respiralogist and an orthapedic specialist.

You hear of these children that have issue's and they got to the doc's in hope of help,they don't get that help and then something goes awefully wrong and then those children die,i have refused mikiya to be a statistic evan before she was born and i will not give in now to doctor error.

It's 11 o'clock,do you know where your children are?

2009-04-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight i have found myself CHILDLESS!!!

Dakota is in the U.S staying with one grandma for a few days,and my girls are at my mothers...wow...alone time!!

During my last blogger episode i wanted to mention and welcome a new preemie into the world,Chloe Hope was born @ 27 weeks,she is now nearly 3 weeks old and is growing and eating very well,it seems that chloe was the early product of just early labor,she was born early and small but has proven her strength and powerful will to live,she has not struggled through any preemie problems as of yet and is powering through strong,so tonight we are rooting for chloe.

Yesterday morning mikiya woke with a runny nose,by 11am she developed a cough,and at the end of that cough was a very distinctive sqeek.........RSV,today she awoke with still the snotty mucusy nose and nooooo squeek,how did the cards overturn?

I thought for sure today we would have been doing the usual and running back and fourth for some sort of treatment,hopefully all goes well.

Still yet this doesn't look good as on t uesday she has her 3yr hearing test,now those results ca n be altered if a child is sick,so i hope they take that into consideration.
I must admitt that i do hate any test that mikiya has to go for,they always seem to find something,her last hearing test was a repeat due to a cold.
At that test they said that they felt that she did have some difficulty hearing in her left ear,are you kidding me,the time before that it was her right ear,plain and simply put,mikiya is completely bored with these audiologists,she looks at them like you want me to do what,who cares about that elephant that lights up.
Mikiya has two older siblings so things are pretty much...as she would say are gay,yes new word...gay.
This morning at 4:30am,mikiya awoke to troy's alarm clock,she sat straight up,i looked at her and she says''that freaken drives me nutts''then she nudges troy and tells him to get out of bed.
HaHa she was right,shut the darn ting off and get out of bed...we need our beauty sleep daddy!!!

2009-04-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

3rd Birthday

2009-04-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday April 18th,we celebrated Mikiya's 3rd birthday,of course we had people that could not attend because of health issue's and one's not wanting t o pass it back on to mikiya,thus i was very thankful they did not attend.
We were crammed in with over 30 people in our home,greatfully it was a gorgeous day and the patio assisted quite well,we had the food out there and gift opening as well as the cake being served.
Mikiya got mostly toys,only 3 outfits......and playdoh,my worst enemy on the face of the earth,i have persian carpets,they don't do very well with playdoh.
The food went off without a hitch,the hardest was finishing the piping work on the cake,my hands had become very sore and arthritic the day before,but i conqured it.
The decorating was great as well,shaniya and her friend helped place balloons and ribbon upon everything,we had made berry bunches out of balloons and tied them to the light post out front.
It was a geat Strawberry Shortcake birthday.

It's been a long haul...but we;re up and running.

2009-04-11T21:22:00.001-07:00

I just came to the realization that it has been two months since my last post.
It's not that i had nothing to write...trust me i did and alot has happened in that short time.
I ended my last post with baby cassidy's passing,and this tuesday april 14 she will be laid to rest,i will be attending her burial.
April the 14th is also Mikiya's 3rd Birthday!!
March 10th was the 1st Birthday of baby Torran,the baby that made such an impact upon my being.
We have run into some medical problems with mikiya this winter,none wich we thought we would have to face,we thought that since she was turnin three that things would start to look up.....boy were we wrong.
Mikiya had gotten a cold,one wich was passed around the family not once but twice,i somehow eluded the cold and watched as each family member had it twice.
Mikiya couldn't break the cold down,i took her to the doctor and he said that she needed to fight it naturally,a week later the cold turned into a squeeky cough,a cough that i know as RSV.
She suddenly became very ill within a matter of hours,she was really struggling to breathe,we took her to the emergency room where they diagnosed her with RSV again,gave her a prescription a sent us home.
The next day she was so lethargic,she didn't move,and she was struggling to breathe,she wouldn't eat nor drink.
Once again we were off to emerg,we had gotten the same doc the night before,he seen her chart and came right in,her o2 saturation was @ 88% which is not very promising.
After some testing this was her diagnosis...severe dehydration,2 collapsed lungs and double phneumonia.
At this point she was receiving ventilation treatments every 2 hours,i watched as my 2 yr old daughter was yet again fading away before my eyes,and as a doctor stood before me i heard the words that i had heard when she was born.
They can't do much for her,and that if congestive heart failure where to set in then she would just die.
They can't open her up,they really have no treatment for a baby in her condition,a nurse even turned to my mother and said...this is not good,she is even scaring me.
I didn't want to hear those words.
Again we have come through with trial and error,mikiya made it home and was cured after two rounds of prednisone and antibiotics.
She lost a great amount of weight and is back down to 16lbs.
Greatfuly again she has mended and is back to her sassy little self.

I'm just not busy enough......ya right.

2009-02-05T21:28:00.000-08:00

Ok so i thought i wasn't busy enough or just don't have enough to do....what on earth... maybe i didn't think this all through....well sure of course i did,this was a long time a coming.
I had asked somebody else to help me with starting up a bussiness,of course they said yes and started it,they just never followed through.

With help from somebody else,the new web page is up and running,i will be adding to it daily.
Here is the link.
http://www.nicumommy.webs.com

More information will become available as i go,and of course as i make new goodies.
I will have great new products along with edible images.

Flyers will be printed as well,hopefully they will be delivered in your area,if not i could always mail you one or you could visit the website.

The Autopsy results are in......

2009-01-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

The autopsy results are in for baby cassidy,sure she died from starvation,but with meaning.

During the procedure the M.E concluded that cassidy's brain stem was completely severed,this means that yes she could have survived,but not with meaning,she would have breathed on her own for quite some time,but for the rest of her life would remain in a vegatative state.

Her injuries were so severe,that she was blind and deaf.

Her brain bleeds were so bad,that her blood pockets traveled through her brain to depths that couldn't be reached nor repaired,thus causing a majorty of her paralysis.

The autopsy also concluded that cassidy's injuries happened 4-5 days prior then suspected,which means that her injuries did not happen while in her grandfathers care.

Sure her injuries may have happened while in her mothers care,there is still no proof that her mother actually had anything to do with it,there were a few other people in the home leaving her oblivious to the injuries.

Let's remember that there was a young couple in the home with a new infant,jess with cassidy,her boyfriend,plus at times numerous other friends.

The police have come back asking all members of the house at that time to take a polygraph test the only person declining the test is jessica's 16 year old boyfriend.

Now going back to cassidy's grandfather,he was the first suspect,he has drug and alcohol addictions.
He also had a 9 year old daughter in the house.
While i was speaking with a police officer,whom was more then duvulging with information,as though i was a reporter

The 9 yr old in the home was so badly beaten that she had bruises on top of bruises,months and months of almost torture.
He said that this child was taken out of the home and placed with a foster family outside of the province as though to keep her safe.

The case is still ongoing,but with all hopes should be solved soon.

It's a vicious cycle

2009-01-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

How many times have i been told something wrong about mikiya and her medical care,what would be wrong with her and what wouldn't ,of course there would be no guarentee's,she will have such huge disabilities,when we bypassed most of those disabilities and i actually had concern's,those concern's were ignored.
When i was told she wouldn't walk talk see nor hear i shunted my head and turned away,of course she managed to do all those things including walking,running and thinking for herself.
For the last two years as she has been walking had many concerns abot her feet and legs and the impact that the anhydramnios and oligohydramnios had caused,doctors said that there was no concern,even though mikiya had started the stages of clubfoot in the womb.
Her hips legs and feet had abnormalities and some excessive curvations,some were repaired,however some where not.
I have mentioned to her pediatrician that i have concerns and those being concerns that need to be dealt with now before she gets older then ends up in more trouble,after many diagnoses one including rhumatoid arthritis and sever growing pains...which is common for preemie's,especially ones that have grown 6 inches in less than a year.
So after discussing her limbs and there curvatures i was told that as mikiya grew her legs would straigten out and her feet,now as she is growing and i'm noticing that nothing is changing i bring it up to her pediatrician again,again i get the same story.
I know my daughter will never be 100% normal,but as a parent i have to make her as normal as i can,i also know that this is something so minute that she walked away with,after watching her continue to grow in this way my concern is for her pain,she is on no pain management regime and trust me she aches,there are some shoes that rub the wrong way and she is uncomfortable,she hates shoes boots and socks.
It turns out that a friend of mine in medical school has discussed mikiya issue's with a doctor from burlington,apparently he is a bone specialist and claims that i have the rght to a second opinion,and opinion in which i will seek.

2009-01-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

2009-01-10T17:48:00.000-08:00

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address!

2009-01-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

2009-01-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

2009-01-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year......

2009-01-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

Let's hope that this year....the year 2009 has many better beginnings and endings.

This is the first year in my entire life that i had no resolutions,nothing that i wanted to let go and leave behind...nothing i wanted to start fresh at.

I have an understanding with my life and i take it day by day as it happens,and i'm living by that,i have learned that i cannot change the world,but that i can have fun trying to do it.

Christmas this year was a very memorable one,each of the kids received what they had asked for,Dakota a cell phone,shaniya a laptop,and mikiya got a little tykes electronic kitchen,with all the pots and pans and dishes.

Of course there were numerous other gifts under the tree,these were the gifts they wanted the greatest.

We also supplied a christmas for another family,this year i got to see the smiles and i got to see the tears.
A mother so greatful,whome shed tears of joy,was asked by her son as to why she was crying,and why she was sad.
These are tears of joy,she said.

We supplied a complete turkey dinner,extra groceries to get them through,and many many presents under the tree,we didn't only buy for the child but also the mother.

Everything we did meant so much to her,she was sooo greatful,and thats what made it worth it.
This was the first year that she did not have to send her son away for christmas.

To see this first hand, and the impact that it made upon them was more gratifying
I would do it again in a heart beat.

2008-12-10T11:21:00.001-08:00

Fly liitle angel the day is done....

Today.....

2008-12-10T09:03:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day........

Yesterday was International Child's Day.
Tuesday December the 9th,was the day,2 long weeks after after doctors and facs decided to pull feeds on her.
Cassidy's mother sat at her infant daughter's bed side for 12 days watching her fade away.
Severe dehydration set in along with her organ's shutting down.
It took this now 3 month old child two weeks to pass on,proving that she had a will to live.
News came in earlier yesterday that maybe doctors had made a mistake by with holding the feeds,and stated that if they in fact reinstated feeds it would only kill her as her tiny body was in shock.

So today i hugged my childen tighter.

On a funny note

2008-11-28T04:34:00.000-08:00

I love my children............but i don't like the ages they are at....12..9..2.

I look at my children and i know why animals eat their young.

I know why people beat their children...and i understand how people kill themselves.

HOWEVER............i love that my children are animals...savage beasts....and i love that i can joke with them and they can joke in return.

I thank god for my children,
and i thank god that he gave me laughter,cause my kids do some really funny stuff.

Black Friday

2008-11-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

Today i'am sickened to know that as i go about my hustle and bustle,an innocent baby will die at the hands of facs,a decision was mad ,yet it seems so rediculous.
Lat weekend i fought and raised funds for a baby that still had a chance at life,a vistom of what still has no legal diagnosis,shaken baby syndrome or now a subdural hemhorrage from birth.
No real diagnosis can be made until this baby die's and has an autopsy.
As of tuesday morning baby cassidy was heading in the right direction when family and nurse's watched on as baby cassidy stretched,yawned,suckled and then stretched.
Later that day facs stepped in and said that mom of the baby had no rights and that they would make the last call,this happened after an exciting past few days,baby cassidy was extubated and exspected to die within minutes to hours...she baffled everyone as she hung on tight breathing on her own,so there is hope.
Well sure until tuesday afternoon when facs stepped in again with a court order stating they were stopping all cassidy's tube feeds.
They did stop all feeds,this was just another Terry Shaivo case,cass can make it at least 32-48 hours without nourishment.
As of last night her little body was starting the process of breaking down and has been given up to another 24 hours to live.
My heart breaks for this poor innocent baby,she had fight in her,and they wouldn't let her fight.
And sure,i have to believe in gods will,in all reality what would her quality of life had been if she did survive,she would have been a vegetable.

2008-11-21T12:28:00.000-08:00

Posted By ALISON LANGLEY, REVIEW STAFF WRITER Posted 8 hours agoTenants at a Chippawa townhouse complex are rallying together in support of a two-month-old infant who continues to fight for her life at a Hamilton hospital. The child remains in critical condition at McMaster General Hospital after suffering what police have described as "grave" injuries. "She's a beautiful, beautiful little girl and she is fighting so hard to stay with us," said Chantal Poudrier, who lives in the same Willoughby Drive complex as the injured child's parents and grandparents. Poudrier and Shelley Murdock have organized two fundraisers this weekend to raise money for the baby they know as Cassidy. A charity barbecue will be held Saturday from 10 a. m. until 2 p. m. at Chippawa Foodland. Owners Bob and Marie Middlemiss have donated food and supplies. The following day, residents at the complex will host a yard sale/bake sale and raffles from 11 a. m. until 4 p. m. All monies raised will be placed in a trust account for the infant's grandparents. "This little girl is going to need ongoing care. Whether or not something comes out from the police investigation, she is still going to need care," Murdock said, wearing a yellow and white ribbon of hope in support of the child. Murdock said she understands what the family is going through. Her daughter Mikiya, now three, was born were severe health problems and spent three-and-a-half months at McMaster. "When you're sitting in front of your child not knowing if she child is going to live or die, you are on cloud doom," she said.The child remains in critical condition at McMaster General Hospital after suffering what police have described as “grave” injuries. “She’s a beautiful, beautiful little girl and she is fighting so hard to stay with us,” said Chantal Poudrier who lives in the same Willoughby Drive complex as the injured child’s parents and grandparents. Poudrier and Shelley Murdock have organized two fundraisers this weekend to raise money for the baby they know as Cassidy. A charity barbecue will be held Saturday from 10 a.m. until 2 p.m. at Chippawa Foodland. Owners Bob and Marie Middlemiss have donated food and supplies. The following day, residents at the complex will host a yard sale/bake sale and raffles from 11 a.m. until 4 p.m. All monies raised will be placed in a trust account for the infant’s grandparents. “This little girl is going to need ongoing care. Whether or not something comes out from the police investigation, she is still going to need care,” Murdock said, wearing a yellow and white ribbon of hope in support of the child.

2008-11-14T19:51:00.001-08:00

Baby hospitalized with 'grave' injuries
Posted By ALISON LANGLEY , REVIEW STAFF WRITER
Posted 15 hours ago
A two-month-old infant is at a Hamilton hospital in critical condition with what police describe as "grave" injuries.
The Niagara Regional Police major crime unit is currently investigating the "suspicious circumstances" of the child's injuries.
"We are interviewing anyone who may have had contact with the child over the last several days, said Det. Sgt. Brett Flynn.
Family and Children's Services of Niagara informed police of the injured baby Wednesday after a family member of the little girl brought the infant to the Greater Niagara General Hospital that morning.
The child was assessed and immediately transferred to the McMaster Children's Hospital in Hamilton.
The girl remains in hospital in critical condition with a suspected brain injury.
Police confirm the child lives in the southend of Niagara Falls and detectives are speaking with family members as part of the investigation.
"In all cases in regards to infant injury we speak to all members of the family as procedure. Obviously, a child can't speak for themselves," said Const. Jacquie Forgeron.
Citing privacy issues, FACS would not comment on the family's involvement, if any, with the agency.
Ann Godfrey, director of development and public relations at FACS, said it is normal practice for the hospitals, the police and FACS to co-operate on an investigation concerning any suspected or actual injury to a child, particularly those of a serious or suspicious nature.

Baby Cassidy Update

2008-11-14T14:36:00.000-08:00

Baby Cassidy still remains in critical condition,the bleeds have stopped and swelling is reducing on the brain,however her condition is still grave.
Grandpa has been arrested but he would not speak,his wife is also under suspician,and their daughter (6yrs) has been removed from their care and put in foster care out of the region.
As for baby cassidy,there is light at the end of the tunnel,although she has confirmed retinal detatchment in both eyes,she does has brain stimulation,and is reacting to pain,while she is still in a coma.
On another note,i have paid days for jess to stay at Ronald Mcdonald house,without worrying about the fee's.
Next sunday we are having a huge fundraiser to raise more fund's,an evelope has already been passed through our community,we will be hosting a BBQ called cash for cass,we will accept donation's,we will also be having raffle's and an auction,i have also arranged for large donations from a cousin that owns a cabinetry bussiness,who will be fabricating all week,and donating great goods.
If you or anybody you know would like to donate in any form my address is posted 2 post's down and can be sent to me.
Thanks guys for all your support.

Pray

2008-11-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

two nights ago,our neighbour's baby ,a two month old baby girl,was taken to hospital and tranported to Mcmaster via ambulance with shaken baby syndrome.
She had two major bleeds on the brain,ones so deep that they couldn't be treated.
Poor baby remains in a medically induced coma and on life support in hopes that she can make it through,her prognosis was so grim that they were offered to pull the plug.
This baby belongs to 17 year old parent.parents whom did not inflict this upon the child,this was at the hands of the baby's grandfather,a man whom should have known better.

Can you donate?

2008-11-11T08:04:00.000-08:00

For all those of you that don't know,i help families that are in need throughout the year,this year for christmas i have made a pact with myself to help a couple of families that could really use the help,these homes are not less fortunate because of drug or alcohol abuse but because of simple demands on life that were beyond their control.
Both families have moms that are fantastic and go without food or other things just so that their children can eat,families that i have contibuted too for some time now,now i just want to make it extra special.
Donations don't always have to be huge but when are put together can be greater then exspected,even a $5.00 donation can make wonders.
If you are in the position to donate,donations can be mailed me by either cash,cheque or money order,money will not be directly given to families,only toys,gifts and food vouchers,along with bill certificates.
This can be mailed to me @ Shelley Murdock
21-8729 Willoughby Drive
Niagara falls,ont l2g 6x6

Thanks for all of your support throughout this holiday season.

Halloween at our house!!!

2008-11-04T05:45:00.000-08:00

This is how we do halloween at our house,i think i'm a little crazy...but it's all for the kids,and they loved every minute of it.

There is no place like home.....

2008-11-04T05:29:00.000-08:00

Mikiya ...halloween 2008...2.5 yrs old...21lbs.

Fully potty trained @ 2.

She's a good sport,and looked great in her costume,her 3rd halloween was one sure to celebrate.

She enjoyed all the festivities.

Our fifth annual.....

2008-10-27T07:25:00.001-07:00

Halloween party......

Ok so we used to have halloween parties every year..........

Then when i became sick while pregnant,our parties stopped.

This year we had our fifth.

It was great and went on without a hitch,15 children stampeded through my house,most in goulish little costumes.

Even Dakota dressed up and joined the festivities,but only to fright i'am sure.

We had creamy apple cider punch,green slime punch,64 cuocakes along with decor,spooky cookies,pumpkins....a house full of fog.....the whole nine yards.

And a whole lotta happy children that recieved prizes and goody bags.

I also have to mention the sweetest hostess gift... a good sized pumpkin from Aron,he grew it himself and wanted to give it to me....the heart of a 9 yr old boy.

Just sick of being.....

2008-10-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of being an angry bent up old girl simply because my life plans have changed.

I look at my children differen't,i look at other people differen't and i see me differen't,i judge the hardest myself.

I blame myself for things beyond my control,i cannot accept new birth and be happy,i'm jealous yet happy for new parents,as they experience new life and a new baby,and i never again will be able to conceive,carry nor hold my own child.

My life has changed so drastically in ways i never thought,and i need to let go...i want to let go...i need to ....ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE!!

I wanted to be a mom.....not a mom of two lost children,not a mom of a preemie,but i'am.

I'am married and i have three beautiful children,and yet i still feel empty...something is missing!!

I know i have done the best for my children,and i try everyday to make them happy...keep them happy,and give them things i never had.

I want today to be the day i let go...get over it,and be done with it,i'm sick of crying about it and i don't want it to hurt anymore.

I want today to be the day that i look at my kids and know that they are here happy and healthy.

Mom....can i have one of theese?

2008-10-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

Are you insane?

You have got to be out of your mind!!

This is our newest friend.

I have for some time now been a surrogate mother and have been babysitting exotics for my neighbour,whom is a registered of the above sugar glider,and when available baby fennick foxes.

The sugar glider is a form of flying squirrel,this little guy is a baby and he is ohh soo sweet,they bond like an actual human baby and of course go by scent,he knows his owner and he has a sweet little bond for shaniya and i,and of course we share that with him.

He is also very friendly with mikiya and she talks to him telling him that he is sooo cute,cute is right.

She's not just cute!!!!

2008-10-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

She's not just cute...she is a genious as well,with a cleaning addiction.
HHHMMM... i think she watches me too much.

Should a two year old have the same addiction to lysol wipes?
Guess she's a little like her mamma!

She has also recently become best friends with the vacuum...strangely odd,as the older two children are allergic to cleaning supplies.

I'm so thankful......

2008-10-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post this before thanksgiving but of course with everything i have on the go some things just are not getting accomplished.

I'm not a mushy person but i do hate to see people suffer,but yet i wonder sometimes why people chose to watch us as a family suffer?

I'm thankful that i have my family,my husband and my children and that we suffered together and not as singles.

I'm thankful that my son has been taught well enough not to make stupid choices at 12,that he uses his brain when his friends make ill choices.

I'm thankful to my oldest daughter shaniya,for being so kind to others and sooo soft hearted like her mother,and thankful that mikiya has the gift of sight and sound,and speaks in full complete sentances,i'm so thankful that all of my children have the ability to drive me nuts in their own little ways.

I'm thankful that i'm married,i'm thankful that he loves me in return and i'm thankful enough to say sometimes i hate him for stupid reasons but its true,and i love him.

One thing i'am not thankful for is mosquitos...cuz it's getting colder and they are still around.

If i only had a brain......

2008-09-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

How many times can you watch the same movie?.......over and over again!
Well mikiya has watched The wizard of oz close to a million times now,and trust me it's not such an easy movie to find when you are trying to purchase and not rent.
But we have got it now,and now if course for halloween mikiya will be dorothy,and yes she does have ruby slippers,in her case ruby flippers.
We even have Toto..no not sadey.
It's all good though...her duds are ready for all hollows eve.

Mikiya has been to see the doctor and was givin some test's last monday,usually bloodwork takes 3 days for the result's at which i gave the doc 4 days,i was told by the secretary that they did indeed find something but that the doc was going to call me personally on monday to discuss it,so monday comes,no phone call from the doc.
How does a doctor exspect a parent to wait on results?
And why should we as parents have to even wait,we should be the first to know.
So today i'm on a mission,i will be calling the doctor and i will not let up upon i have the result's.

If only i could do magic!!!

2008-09-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Right now i'am stuck in a whole as i watch my neighbour and her two children lose everything they have.
The children have to eat cereal they don't like and they don't know why.
The mom is going without food just so that her children don't starve or go hungry,and on top of that she is of course faceing eviction and will be served her papers come thursday.
She has no money to rent another place and i feel that she will soon be living out of her van with an 8 yr and an 11 yr old.
Of course the children are still young enough to not really understand what is going on,but the fact is i know whats going on and my daughter shaniya is seeing it as well.
Shaniya doesn't understand it and she question's me.
I explain it as,sometimes good people end up i n bed situations,sometimes we put ourselves there and sometimes we don't,sometimes unexplainable things just happen,things will eventually get better,it's just a matter of wait it through and hope that it doesn't last too long.
She is new to the single world as her and her husband have just separated,he is not paying support as of yet,when he left a month ago he had them so far in arrears in their rent it left her without the option of even trying to catch back up.
If i could just snap my fingers and make it all go away i would.
I will continue to help them in small ways that i can,and i will remember that when i was down,nobody helped me,but i won't let it affect my judjement.

2008-09-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

2008-09-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

2008-09-02T17:59:00.000-07:00

The things i seen today on our day trip,some made me wonder and others did not,most i would not even question,but i was glad that my children were present and were witnesses to the real world..the big city.
Sure we live in a big city but toronto is much larger and has much more to look at the niagara falls.
I was explaining squeegee kids to my children,then explaining why the clean car windows at stop lights and signs,they were dumbfounded.
Then of course you have the sign holders,vagrants of the streets that pour out for money and make their life look ohh so traumatizing,when in fact they are holding signs that read.....i need $10.00 for weed,had i not been in the car and walking down the street i probably would have just given the guy $10.00 for his honesty,my children of course thought that was comical.
But most importantly i did not run into one person with and attitude problem or above all arrogance.
So all in all our trip was tiring but entertaining,mikiya is just near impossable during a car ride,and i have come up with new questions about her behaviour at our next doctors appointment.
We know that she has what they call hypersensativity disorder,and the cause was the multitudes of medications that her tiny body has withstood,sure maybe even some of this is still withdrawel at 2.5 years.
With a proper diagnosis this may better be understood,not remedicated and passed off as just another condition,but something with a proper name and perhaps better treatment,do i believe that my child has hypersensativity dissorder?..yes i do but i also believe it stems farther then that,i believe she ADD or ADHD,whatever the diagnosis be i will accept and just continue on the way that we have,i believe in keeping her busy instead of turning her into the walking dead with medications.
Being that troy is at work all day long,he finally seen today just how wild she really is,she doesn't sit still,she tries to move about while buckled in her car seat and she tries to remove it,when she is loose and free,she runs,bounces and is just completely all over the place,feeding her is a huge problem,she is ful after two bites and i literally have to try and force feed her,i will put food in her mouth,or i will try and feed her food from my plate,she chews but still bounces and throws her head back and i know she is going to choke and i stop her but again it just continues.

2008-08-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

2008-08-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

A whole new feeling

2008-08-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

School starts in two days,mikiya has a daycare viewing appointment on tuesday as well,so the first day of school is going to be a mad morning rush,but we will get back into the snap of things.
Tomorrow which is labor day,we are taking a drive along the parkway till we reach toronto and will take in some sights with the kids.
I'm sure we will arrive home later then anticipated,who cares as long as the kids enjoy the last day of freedom.
Mikiya has yet again managed to spend the weekend with her grandparents,and is out shopping as we speak,this is something she really enjoys doing and is becoming a shopaholic.
Our car is fixed and paid for,the kids have new duds for school and i have purchased a new laptop,no more desktop for me,the children i babysit have killed my computer now i have found greed and am hording this new handy gadget...paws off it's mine!!
My brother is building a computer for the kids at which point i will not care what they do or download.
There have been no medical crisis,and no major changes in mikiya's health to report,so far everything has been well and she is very excited to go to school (daycare).
We took the kids school shopping and mikiya had to get stuff for school as well,this is her list of purchases.
Mini dora backpack.
8 pairs of elmo underwear.
3 pairs of my little pony sparkle underwear.
Ariel umbrella.
That was all that she wanted,we didn't have to buy her clothes as she has far too much to start with,i went through her drawers to get rid of dated clothing,i filled a rubbermaid bin and yet still did not make a dent in her wardrobe.

The Red Ring Of Death.

2008-08-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

Thats with the XBOX 360,and Dakota is close to popping an artery.
This is were bad parenting steps in with a 12 year old child whom cannot survive without a video game console.
GOOOO OOOUT SSSide.
Mom,there's nothing to do,we are surrounded by forest and water,i think with all that then you should be able to do something productive.
I called XBOX and the console has an extended warrany for 3 years so we are in the green for free repairs...sweet!!..that is usually not my luck!!
So i explain to dakota giving him the bad news first,i get the look!!
Then i explain that it will be picked up and fixed,a grin emerges from his misserable face.
Then he looks at me,and says can i go now,because why would he further the conversation?
This was just a part of my morning that has started out with multitasking,and i'm still waiting for troy to come home from work early and it's only noon.
Mikiya is in good spirits today and is still using the potty greatfully,i couldn't ask for a better child,she cleans out her own potty...thus far too funny,she watches me clean far too much.

Mothers

2008-08-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.
' Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes.
And all the mothers who DON'T.
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see.
And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.
This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner.
And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies.
And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.
For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year.
And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school.
And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.
This is for all the step-mothers who raised another woman's child or children, and gave their time, attention, and love... sometimes totally unappreciated!
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their >14-year-olds dye their hair green.
For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience?
Compassion?
Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart?
Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?
Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.Single mothers and married mothers.Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all.For all of us.Hang in there.In the end we can only do the best we can.
Tell them every day that we love them.And pray.

I've learned....

2008-08-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher

Mikiya is...................

2008-08-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Born on a Friday,under the astrological sign Aries.

Her birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/29/2006 and ending 2/17/2007.You were born in the Chinese year of the Dog.

Her Native American Zodiac sign is Hawk; her plant is Dandelion.

The date of Easter on her birth year was Sunday, 16 April 2006.

As of 8/7/2008 9:50:58 PM EDT

She is 2 years old.

She is 28 months old.

She is 121 weeks old.

She is 846 days old.

She is20,325 hours old

She is 1,219,550 minutes old

She is 73,173,058 seconds old.

Her age is the equivalent of a dog that is 0.331115459882583 years old.
(You're just a pup!)

There are 250 days till her next birthday on which her cake will have 3 candles.

In 2006 there were 4,091,063 births in the US.

Herbirthstone is Diamond -->

No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Is this my life?..wait a minute,let me check..um yup it's mine.

2008-08-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Let's start off with Mikiya,seeing how this is her blog 'n' all,ok yes it was a blood infection of sort's and this mark's 3 this year total.

But she is good at this point...all is well.

One day after Mikiya was down,i get a phone call from Troy,he's on the road and is stopping at the nearest hospital because he is in severe pain.

After some morphine and a check...he has kidney stones!!
So we get him back up and running.

Yesterday i was having chest pains,had them the day before as well,i'm tough i can take it,but then my friend persueds me to go 'n' get checked out.
I'm ok ...just the muscle around my heart giving me some extra troubles,but the doc did say that stress can be a huge factor,he asked if i had anything going on in my life right now,well i'am a mom of 3 and i have a husband,of course i have stress.

But nothing major.......

So my mom brings me home,and we;re talking about stress.

We pull in our driveway to notice something fishy with our truck.

The front end is smashed in.........

I come in the house looking for troy and i ask him...hmm what happened to the truck?

Well he says......i drove into the back of a van!

Really...were you that bored and needed some excitement?

I have a really sick sense of humour,and i have that whatever attitude now adays.

Well...no,so he explained the collision,guy slammed on his brakes,and brake lights weren't working all that well,and he swerved to one side of the road,then avoided hitting two children on the road and took out the van instead.

So here is our truck elparko'd in my lot,with no where to go,you see i just sank alot of money into it with repairs and now everything that was done is now crushed in.

And being that i have just payed everything,i have no money for a new car,but troy needs a car to get to work...soooo.

Bad things happen to good people,i just get shit on far too much,will good things ever happen to me?

To all of you

2008-07-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

There is a song that is sung by Carrie Underwood,it's called Jesus take the wheel,it's a heart wrenching song.
One that is sure to make you cry.
It's my song,my song of inspiration...
It's about a girl driving down the road with her baby in the back seat,she hits a patch of ice and the skids out of control,she begs to jesus to take the wheel and spare the life of her and her young daughter strapped in.
This song is a glimpse of my past and what i have gone through with my own child,and children just in differen't sequence.
Although at times we don't believe that there is a god nor that jesus is with us,be patient great things do happen.

Something is lurking.....

2008-07-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

First fear.....INFECTION.

Today Mikiya started her day A-OK,had her nap and awoke to a massive fever of 103,tried to get fever down,it faded somewhat,then she vomited 3 times on the kitchen floor,an hour passed...nothing.

1.5 hours later another episode of vomiting.

It's past midnight now and the vomiting has stopped,slight hollucinasions have erupted,such as mikiya playing the piano with grandma...we don't own a piano,but she was working her fingers.

A new dose of tylenol has been administered and fever remains at 103 again,trying to bring it down with light blankets, a dose of tylenol,a luke warm bath and air conditioning.

If the fever doesn't budge the ER will be seeing us...no matter what time it is.

The last time this happened we watched as a blood infection invaded her body.

2008-07-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'

2008-07-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'

Make way for the....POTTY!!

2008-07-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

We have new accents in our two washrooms these days,upper level being a winnie the pooh potty with flushable sounds and the lower bath host's a beautiful and none the less a vibrant pink potty.

Her drawers have become the home to 37 pairs of the tiniest little panties one has ever seen.
They range in pattern's and color,some strawberry shortcake,some doodlebops,plain ones,colors,patterns,princess's and cinderella's.
And she uses the potty's and wears her panties,how proud is she!!

No way?...Broken you say?

2008-07-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after a lengthly day of tidying up the home space,i found myself in much pain.

I contemplated about the amount of pain and at times found it upmost uncomfortable,now i'am not of the weaker sense and have great pain tolerance.

In the evening hours i had asked troy if he would run me down to the clinic to see my family doc.

Figuring it was just the start of a kidney infection....much to my surprise,no infection.

Although i did have a plus one reading of protein in my urine,which could lead up to other things which would cohabitate with the odema that has stricken itself upon my legs ankles and feet.

What does that mean...miss all medical actually had a question for the doc,well we won't junp to conclusions yet and we will send the urine away for further anaylisis.......so whats it mean?...well,if protein levels should happen to stay or even rise they would look at the early stages of kidney disease.

Of course i have a history of childhood kidney problems.

But still not the cause of the pain......a cracked rib!!

The doc asked me what i was doing that caused the fracture....umm let me think....nothing.

Remember the blog posted not long ago about Mikiya finding her way into my bed,well this child kicks in pain most of the time because of her R.A...and surprisingly enough she had enough force to kick and grind her way into my ribs...not so nice.

The doc said that it actually doesn't take a whole lotta force to crack a rib,and he finishes the visit with...thank god you don't have a cough!!

2008-07-15T10:58:00.001-07:00

You are more than a mother,You are more than just another,You are my best friend.From day one,you've been by my side,And you've always told me to never hide.You said you'd always be there,and you'd always care.You told me you'd love me forever,And not a day goes by where I don't hear those 3 little words,I Love You.

2008-07-15T10:56:00.001-07:00

"A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all"

2008-07-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family

Can i get a little wHA WHA...

2008-07-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Mikiya is not allowed to fly because of lung mass...although we have been granted an allowance for daycare...oh my word.
However the daycare across from me will not allow her entry until at least 2.5,which she will be in October,hopefully they will grant entry one month early in September.
This is all ok providing she does not get any sepsis...infections,nor RSV which we are famous for.
A friend of mine was so happy to know that i would be getting some free time,she asked me if i kissed the doctor when she made the approval......nope....but i was pretty close to humping her leg!!!!
It's not that i'am in a huge rush to push my child out the door,it's that Mikiya is very advanced for her age and tiny body,she is 2 and mostly acts at a 3.5 age,and her vocabulary could blow you away,she is very busy and very active all day long,which i s why it would be good for her,let her mind exspand and allow her to have friends.
The great part about this is the day care is located directly across the street from me in this rural area...again god is good.
If i feel not so good about where she is or if i start to miss her i can just run accross the street and visit with her or watch her play for a while and then leave again.AHH

Somewhere up there..

2008-07-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

Somewhere up there,there is a god that watches us and helps protect us.
Even though we may not be religous or may not believe in god,i know before i didn't truly believe in god,but in the last 2 years i have seem miracles beyond medical repair.

I have seen 3 babies saved from oligohydramnios,and each of those families i have helped and was named a godsend.

Last saturday i sat in awww as one of my friends gave birth to a 3lb 11oz 32 week old baby girl.

Born small but healthy and is now looking at coming home very soon.
Again i thank god....it's not just a figure of speech.

As for us.......we are planning a trip to marineland tomorrow,mikiya has watched the commercial's on tv and dances and prances around while yelling i wanna go there....so we're taking her there.

Also on August 2nd we will be taking a trip to Martin's Fantasy Island.
Then a camping trip will approach in late august...this should be good.

In the fall we are planning on taking a trip to Vermont and on the way i'am stopping in New Hampshire to finally meet Pam,Pam is the grandma of Shaylah,the first preemie baby that i helped save.

Pam and i have remained very close and for once in our lives we just need that hug,she's the one that called me her godsend.

So i look forward to finally actually meeting her after two years.

Then winter we are looking at Jamaica Mon....woohoo.

But of course at any time medical problems can arise and turn our plans into nothing so we will just go on a day to day basis.

I can't say it's wrong.

2008-07-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Mikiya has found herself a part of my bedroon attire,even though she has a regular bedtime,she still finds herself waking in the wee am and wanting to flock to mommy's bed.

Truth be told,i allow her in,and i cuddle her as though i'am the baby.
She will sleep for hours,providing i'am right there with her,then being that her and i have slept the morning away it kills nap time.

So today there was no nap,and we played outside all day,she played in her pool and the boys brought frog's and she enjoyed them awhile.

Troy get's a little upset everynow and then that mikiya is in our bed and he preeches how it's not a good practice,it is what it is an undying love for the child i came so close to losing.

I still look at her in her sleep while she is in my arms,i caress her cheeks with my lips and i give her tiny bubble kisses,i rub her forehead and brush her hair back,sometimes an excitement tear will build in my eye's,sometimes it's still disbelief that she is here and she is in my arms.

Tonight she is gone to spend the night with grandma and papa,shaniya went along as well,but dakota stayed home and had his friend sleep here for the third night in a row,i think i may ask for child support...lol.

A Ponder In The Past.

2008-07-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

This is going to be yet a strange write up,but something that need's to be said.

The old saying of...God put us on this earth for a reason and most people wonder what that reason is.

I have figured out my reason and i have accepted it,it's completely normal,and it brought tears to my eye's when i figured it all out.

I was raped as a child,but it didn't eat me or beat me because i was given the strength to deal with it and put it behind me.

I over came it,it did not over come me.

I was molested by a camp counselor,again i over came it,and it made me a stronger person.

I was held in a motel room by 5 guys from Toronto with guns for 72 hours,i walked away and i over came it.

I was locked in a closet by a boyfriend..and for that i broke his heart and his ego.

1 week before my biological father past away,i said to my mother,the day my father die's i'm going to spit on him in his casket.....He was cremated so i missed out.

There were other issue's and tonnes of trial and error and with each i grew stronger.

But this is who i'am.

I'am the mother that gave my child a fighting chance at life,risking my own to keep her alive.

I'am the person that everyone goes to for advice...i'am the ear,the listener.
There is conflict in all of our lives,no matter who we are,what color we are.

This is who i'am and this is who god intended i be.

I had to laugh...

2008-06-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

I guess this is how you know this child is mine....class clown!!
Yesterday was Shaniya's grade 3 graduation,mikiya and i went to of course support her and be there for her.
Firstly when the children entered the gym,mikiya was there to entertain them,she danced in front of them and ran around as though all these people had come to see her.
I think she actually felt as though she was the centre of attention....and she was.
The audience laughed and coo'd.
She talked with our neighbour,sat with her sister up on stage and then when the ceremony stared and all eyes were off of her....yes she did.....she lifted her dress and giggled...repeatedly.
Mikiya.....take a bow!

2008-06-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

Just some new pics of Mikiya in the last couple of days,playing in her little pool,and running around...have pizza will travel!

The Open Heart.

2008-06-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

We were all born with one,yet sometimes it leaves us all looking in a differen't direction.

When i was running back and forth from Mac everyday,there wasn't one person that offered me money,even though i had my last $20.00 in gas and often went without food.

Yet still,i turn nobody away.

I took care of another family recently,the mom and dad addicts,nothing but mooches,but when they mooched,they mooched for their children as they were the true sufferers.

I managed to furnish a house with the help of my friends,i clothed and fed two older children and supplied diapers and formula for a new born infant.

Two days ago while i was bbq-ing in the back, a boy came up and asked if he could have some cause he was hungry and his mom never made dinner that night.

Even though that was our dinner,i still came inside and grabbed some hot dogs from the freezer and i cooked them up and i fed him.

Tonight i had my fan club outside my door,they range from 5 years old to 11,they told me that i was like there second mother and they all took their turns hugging me,and i said...looks like a milk shake night!!

Have you ever seen a bunch of kids so excited to have some MILK?

So we all came in and used a whole quart of ice cream amd we made those shakes.

When they were done,most put their cups in my sink...again my house has this open door policy.

But you know what it made them happy....and ya ....it made me happy too!!

On another note,i was left a comment today on this blog from a reader ,and it sounded as though she has kept up with my blog for sometime,CYL...i thank you and i hope you stay tuned.

You asked a question...wich most people wouldn't,most turn their head and take it as out of sight out of mind....you are a dear reader that i appreciate.

An update on the grandmother raising her 5 grandchildren.

She is now finally receiving a supplement until they go back to court,i still couldn't imagine trying to feed 7 people.

I have helped her on my own,i have led her in some direction and i hope that help's her.

Comments

2008-06-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

As i know many people are reading my blog,i would like to make my blog more popular as it is not just an airring the dirty laundry blog,it's about my life as the mother of a micro preemie,the upkeep and the challenges that surely we all face as parents.

My problem with the blog is that no one really leaves me any comments regardless if they be negative,or posative or even ones thoughts.
I feel as though maybe i'am possably boring my readers...am i boring you?

Am i perhaps leaving one speechless?

I promise however that to anybody that leaves a comment that i will not take offence to any questions as we all in one form or another let our minds wonder and truth be told...inquiring minds want to know,i'am open to all questions that one might have,so don't feel that maybe your question or comment may be inappropriate,i take no offence to anything.
I'am actually intriqued by one others thought's and maybe feelings.

We all feel differen't things and sometimes we can't share with one another until after the fact,example,i was a mad raging women whilst i was lactating,pumping,storing andtraveling with breast milk just trying to keep my child alive,i didn't realize just how neurotic i was till after the fact,but those of you that know me,know i stress well.

I stress with my heart and soul.

For me it felt better knowing that there were other women that have done what i was doing and also went through the same as i,it didn't make me feel better but i feel maybe it gave me more fight.

I can finally breathe ,

2008-06-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Besides all of the small complications mikiya has walked away with,today we were granted a breathe of fresh air,a sigh of relief.
Today mikiya completed her Bayley assesment and scored on an average 15% higher then the average 24-36 monther.
Although her corrected age today is 23 months plus 12 days,but yet still adding no age corrections she scored higher for function.
In all aspects...she is smarter then the average bear!!!
A doctor that was socialy disgusting with me in the beginning finally showed me some respect today when she told me that i was a fine mother and have taought and raised my child well....ya think?
But ok coming from a doctor i respect the effort she put into that.
She actually put her hand on my shoulder and told me to smile,and then she said that sometimes miracles just happen,sometimes they happen over years while sometimes they happen overnight.
Mind you this miracle was not acheived overnight,none the less it is what it is.....a miracle.
Today i heard everything that i have always dreamed about hearing about mikiya,yes it is a shock.
Of course something that i knew would be said one day,gosh she is doing really well for a baby that they said would never survive,again i will say...never say never,and never sign someones death certificate until they have infact stopped breathing.
I can't help but wait or know that this is all too good to be true,it's like one of those you defied us now wait my pretty we'll slap you back yet.
All i can do is grasp the moment seize the day,knowing that yes we did do it,mikiya did it,we all did it.

The good ,bad and the ugly!!

2008-06-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today mark's one week to our check up at Mac,i look forward to these appointments because it gives me a sense of gratitude,a part of me wiich wants to slap a stupid doctor,yet hug another for being there.

I sigh when i enter the clinic,as i know the typical flounder they follow,befor questions are asked she is weighed,and then the usual sequence...she is under weight...no shit....ya don't say!

Mikiya is 24 months old.weigh's 22 lbs after losing a mild amount of weight after her anyeurism in october.

She gained that weight back after several months,and now gains upto 2lbs per year.

Hmmm wish that was my problem.

Now with her new problems,i have new questions and i have concerns,there are red flags that need to be taken care of ,so i'am going to demand that i be listened too and my wishes fullfilled.

I refuse to turn around and walk away with simple answers that get us no where.

I'm sick of hearing...she'll be fine and the best one yet...she'll out grow that...really?....when?

She need's to see a Rhuematist,she also needs to see a bone specialist,on top of that she needs to possably see a dietician as she now has an allergy to milk protein,she is not lactose intolerant,she just breaks out in hives and get all itchy from dairy products.

I have put her on lactose free milk but in only comes in 2%,whole milk is where she gets most of her fats and without it i'm sure she will start to lose weight again as she eats like a bird.

She's not big on bread,but she loves cheese,she loves chocolate and candy...thanks to my neighbour for that.

She loves pea's and will eat lettuce by itself,she loves chicken and is very minimal with beef.

She eats light,foods that don't last long in the belly which is a concern.
her legs are still bowed,her ankles exverted,and her knees still big.

Her chest still very petite and sunken in and her belly mildly bigger then her chest,she weighs any where from 3-6 months in tops and has to have 18 months pants because she is so tall,although i always have to take the waist in or roll them down.

It gets frusterating,even her feet are small she's a 5,she is technically 50% smaller then your average 2 year old.

When she stands beside another 2 year old,she is noticeably differen't,but i have loved differen't since before she was born.

2008-06-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, we stood in the ocean uncomplete missing one family member.

It's funny how one simple thing can kill Mikiya ,like flying,yet standing in the ocean could heal her.

The ocean is a natural healer,and thats why millions per year fock to it in hopes of the great water to make them...perhaps,better.

But could it help heal mikiya?.....probably not her lungs,but maybe her rhuematoid athritis.

Next winter,i will drive mikiya to the ocean,come hell or high water,i will get her in that ocean.

I'm a natural.peabody!!

2008-05-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

With a natural clang,i go about the day with a buzz in my ear of a small boy that needs a home,of course.......i will take him in.
I offer to the fact and discuss with troy quite frequently that i would love to eventually become a foster mum.
This is years in the making,a natural who enjoys children and would do anything for them.
Everyday there is clatter upon my floors and no less of a count of 5-8 children bustling their body's through my home.
Often my kitchen is over cleaned because i have no where to sit....children on the computer,on the couches and .....all over.
The conclusion is i will never have white furniture or carpet's and i do dream of all white.
Sure there it is the fact that i will never have more children....i feel incomplete,normally i would have had five children had two not died,would i feel complete had they didn't?
Quite sure not.
Non the less,my heart still remains open..is still in acceptance and willing to love,even a child that is not mine,but for a child i could perhaps call....mine.

God grant me

2008-05-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

May god grant me with the abilities to always be close to my children,to always be there to be able to feed and shelter and clothe my children.
I may not be rich,yet not poor,nor poverty stricken.
after the last two years rather then 12 years i have learned some of the most valuble lessons a mom can learn,was it really a lesson?Who knows.
I watch as a friend of mine is raising her 5 grand baby's,the youngest of 5 is a baby boy ,9months old and may not live long enough to see his 1st birthday.
He was born to a mother of substance abuse,including crystal meth,heroin,and cocaine.
Not only does he just have the use of only half a lung he is also has severe withdrawel from drugs.
He now has an unknown mass covering his already impaired lung and has hepatitas c,that is affecting his liver and kidney's.
Grandma has no job as she quit to raise the children,and cannot receive welfare,this is where life defeits you!!
She is fighting to not lose the children that mostly belong to differen't father's most wich are drug dealers and in jail.
This lady goes days without food just so that her grand kids eat,she is sooo not sellfish.

A parents view

2008-05-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

MOTHERS VIEW FATHTERS VIEW
A lifetime of love Help with the harvest
The miracle of new life New tax exemption
The ecsta stretch mark's
The music of a littlee Good bye peace n quiet
Watching them play Messy house
Comforting distress Sleepless nights
Companionship Ball and chain
Watching them grow Exspensive
Baby schedule Goodbye sex

Has it been that long already?

2008-05-09T07:37:00.001-07:00

Twelve years ago today, i gave birth to this bouncing baby boy,that weighed in at a pinch away from 9lbs.

It didn't hit me till now,as tears well up in my eyes,just how fast our children really do grow.

Six years from now my baby will be leaving home for university....uuuhh..

It was years ago that this child gave us many scares,while battling severe asthma along with strydor,and then on with additional medical problems,one the doc's were looking at was Leukemia,thank god that wasn't it.

Many times i have held him in my arms in the back seat of the car rushing to the hospital ,because he was not breathing,i did that again 3 years ago.

How do we have baby's ,only to go to bed,and in the blink of an eye,many years have passed,he went from 0-12 in 5.5 seconds..i swear.

But,i have raised this child with pride and dignity,and i'am proud to call him ''my son''

Dakota, i love you, Happy 12th birthday coco!!

Ok Guys

2008-05-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

Help make a difference,help make a change,help keep a baby alive just like Mikiya.
So many people that i know,came to me after Mikiya's struggle to live,many people asked me what they could do then,it's not about then,it's about what you can do to help now.
The Linden fund is having their annual runs,walks and bike-a-thons,Mikiya was granted items to comfort her while in NICU, and it's very important to keep this program alive.
Now you guys can help by donating a few dollars...it's ok if ya wanna throw toonies at me when i walk by...i'll accept it
Your $5.00 and $10.00 can and will make a difference.
If everybody i knew gave a simple $5.00, we could donate a whole lotta ca...ching!!
If you would like to make a donation, you can contact me at threevstwo@hotmail.com

2 Years ago

2008-05-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

Weight gains and losses.

Mikiya was born weighing at 3lbs 3 ozs.
By April 17/06 she weigghed in at 3lbs 9 ozs,
That night she started dropping weight rather quickly,and made her way down to a mear 2 lbs.
Trying to catch back up and gain the weight was a task that would prove to be harder then we thought.

At 3.5 months old,mikiya was ready to come home,she was 6 lbs.

My complications during pregnancy caused her complications and a poor chance for life,
Oligohydramnios,and anhydramnios were my two worst enemies.
Those complications alone caused this list of problems for Mikiya.
Cardiac Arrest,
she was high risk for congestive heart failure.
Atrial Septal Defect
Patent Ductus Arteriosis
Mechanical damagae to lungs
Addiction to med's used in NICU
Hypoplastic lungs
Pulmonary hypertension.

Researching the latest of diagnoses!!

2008-04-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

I find myself trying to get all the info that i need,it's like a sickness,i can't wait to hear what the doctors have to say so i go and i educate myself.
I feel like if they say something i don't want to hear i can correct them or defy them yet again.
Here is some info on Juvenille Rhuematoid Arthritis.
It may begin with a swollen knuckle, a spiking fever, or an unexplainable rash.
And that's just what it did.
Arthritis is an inflammation of the joints that is characterized by swelling, heat, and pain. it can be chronic and last for months or years. In rare cases, it can last a lifetime.
Research indicates that it is an autoimmune disease. In autoimmune diseases, white blood cells lose the ability to tell the difference between the body's own healthy cells and harmful invaders like bacteria and viruses.
The immune system, which is supposed to protect the body from these harmful invaders, instead releases chemicals that can damage healthy tissues and cause inflammation and pain.
Juvenile rheumatoid arthritis appears between the ages of 6 months and 16 years.
now the most common thing to do is put mikiya on medications like advil or motrin,and because of the chronic lung disease and hypoplastic lungs it may not be safe for here.
We will see where we stand when we visit the doctors at McMaster.

2008-04-25T15:43:00.001-07:00

As parents of preemie's we don't know what comes next,we can do as much research as we want and there surely is no telling what will come in the future months or even years.
I have however educated myself and done numerous hours of research on preemie's,preemie care and the future for preemie's.
As well as many complications,disease's and syndrome's and what have you.
Rest assured that not everyday is going to be bad,days weeks months and years do become better,and keep in mind that summer months are better then winter months for preemie's and as they get older is does easier,maybe as parent's we just seem to adjust to what we have become,we certainly are not just parent's,being the parent's of a preemie is much more bussier then that of a regular baby and child.
Some baby's get simple dissorder's ,as mikiya is the tell true tale of hypersensativety disorder,she is high strun,completely wild but very loveable.

Looking forward to the next eight years.

2008-04-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

It's a medical fact that when a child is born early and has chronic lung disease,that they face a long path until they are at least 10 years old.
Sometime around there is when the lungs have finished growing new tissue.
Of course new problems can pop up at anytime and this list of complications is forever growing.
Heart complications can haunt a parent for the rest of their lives,lung issue's can arise until adult hood and into adult hood.
Any head or brain issue's may not become apparent until later in life.
Eating dissorder's can affect the child until adult hood as well.
There are bone issue's and skin problems that one can face,as well as differen't hair growth pattern's.
And of course you face having a child that has become addicted to medication's whilst in NICU,some med's that your child may be come immune to,and again some med's that you may never be able to use,like simple tylenol should never be given to a preemie,especially one with kidney bladder and liver issue's, the main reason for non tylenol use is for babe's with chronic lung disease,because tylenol is a synthecate it can cause breathing problems and cause the underdeveloped lungs to become swollen wich will cause crackling in babe's with hypoplastic lung disease,motrin is also another dangerous medication for a preemie.
So now your thinking well ok what can i use...what is safe?
In normal doses,Tempra is your best bet as it does not contain synthecates and does not leave a residue in the liver.
NEVER use ASPIRIN...unless of course directed by your doctor as ASPIRIN is used on many heart patients for stems of differen't reasons,so unless your doctors gives the ok,don't even buy it.
Mant parents of preemie's face baby's with addiction,it however can be over come,unless you have a doctor who likes to push medications for every problem.
Most prem's come addicted to morphine and sucrose,as that is what they are given most while in neo,but don't fret.
When there is no consoling your prem,try running a sucker accross their lips,just so they get a little fix,but remember tooth decay can happen still whilst there are no teeth,so remember to clean abay's gums at night.

The parenting book....

2008-04-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

Many moms have said...there is no book on raising children,there is no manual and no return policy...hello,can you hear yourself??

Another mother says....Why on earth did i have 3 children...what was i thinking?...ummm you weren't thinking about birth control..that's for sure!

One mother borrows food for her children by going door to door...yet her husband is drinking a case of beer.

A grandmother is scrapping steal,just so that she can feed her 5 grandchildren that she is raising.

2008-04-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Blessed be childhood, which brings down something of heaven into the midst of our rough earthliness.

Because of my faith and my imagination, I was able to enjoy my childhood, even though it was tough.

2008-04-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

2008-04-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance...

IF THE SHOE FITS........

2008-04-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

To our Little Princess...Happy 2nd Birthday. This is the birthday cake that i made for little miss princess Mikiya,
a princess cake fit for a princess.
Of course she loved it.

It's without a doubt ...more then words.

2008-04-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

It's without a doubt,the greatest thing in life. It's more word's then i could ever say,to be blessed the way i'am everyday.
For the times that i'am angry,or feeling self worth,depressed or down,i look at my children and i know that i made the greatest of choices.
We made it to '2',and for that i'am ever so grateful.
If the most dreaded happened tomorrow and i lost her,i would be happy for the time spent, and not lost.
I cherish every hug and every little kiss,whether it be wet or dirty,sometimes even sticky.
I memorize every smile,as though it's a photgraph in my mind,and i take those smiles to bed with me every night.
I lay my hand upon her head when she is sleeping,and often shed a tear.
But it is truly being thankful,that my baby is still here.
I know that she is growing,and even though she is still so small,she seems to be growing quickly in attitude.(and i have no clue where she gets that from).

When you go,you must come down.

2008-04-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

One day till Mikiya's 2nd birthday and smash boom bang we run into medical issue's again.
It is a pattern that we have seen before and will again i'm sure,i do not want to travel this darkened dusty road again but for the well being of my child i will.
On Easter mikiya developed a rash,it was more like hives and being that she is sensitive to most dye's i thought thats all it was,but it never went away,and she's extremely itchy and aggravated.
The redness went away with benedryl,but then the hives went dry and her skin became scaley,so i thought ok it is most likely very well just eczema,and with creams it will diminish....well not the case.
Back in Ovtober same scenerio,this all means infection somewhere within the body,now lets go on this crazy search to find it,let's just hope it's not the same thing.
So wednesday she will again go to visit her prdiatrician and find the source.

20lbs

2008-04-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

For Mikiya's second birthday,she has finally reached 20lbs,oh how joyous this is.
Just when i thought this child was never going to gain any weight,she spited me and gained a pound.
I know such a huge increase in almost a year.
Her birthday party is tomorrow and then she has another one on sunday and then monday is her actual birthday,i will post pics of the happy day and her cake,we are having a princess party,well cinderella,mikiya calls her innerella,so we are having an innerella party.
She is so excited,but does she really know what the heck is going on,we were at the grocery store today and she was telling the cashier she is having a party,a innerella birday.

2008-04-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight i stepped outside,i listenednothing but silence in the distance but frogs croaking.
Guess that means that winter has finally disappeared.

When Mikiya was 14 months and still very tiny,we were at a market in St.Catherines,as i carried mikiya row by row,a women asked me how old she was.
I told the women and she walked away,briefly she returned and asked me if i fed my child,and upon her face was the snarkiest of looks,of course there is this smart assed part of me and the serious part conjuring up some stupid ass comment back,i couldn't myself but tell her that mikiya and i were on the atkins diet,we don't eat carb's!!
She shuttered and walked away.....can you say DUMBASS!!

But tonight,i must have met the most wonderful little foreighn lady,she was watching mikiya walking around in wal-mart,mikiya walked up to the fridge and was looking at a ham,mikiya was saying the word ham as well.
This little lady ask's me how old mikiya is,so i tell her she will be 2 next week,wow is she ever small,she must have been born small,why yes 2lbs.
Then her daughter got in on the conversation and her husband as well,these people were well into their 80's,and their daughter in her teen's.
They told me how adorable mikiya is,but of course i knew that,they were just calm people.
This little girl gets so many people around her all the time,it's as though she draws them,they attach themselves to her.
Six days until she's 2,she has weighed in today at 20lbs,a one pound increase in like 8 months,yet this child can eat like a sow,yet other days eat like a bird.
Today she learned how to climb the slide,adjust her footing and slide down the slide,she also took her shoes off and put them into the closet,she even walked through the mud in her socks today and i didn't care,i watched her as she walked towards the mud in her little white socks,i didn't even flinch,who cares they are socks,much less important then her life,but she's here,i mind as well let her get dirty!!!

Looking back at the past.

2008-03-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

While i was in the hospital,pregnant with mikiya,i kept a journal.

I also kept a journal while i was living the NICU life.

Here is an entry that i read today.

I had always thought that the hardest thing in life was to burry one of your children,that though changed when i sat down and i watched my child struggle to live.

I understood that NICU life alone could be pure hell,and i was living it.

Mikiya was 7 days old at this point and i was requested for a meeting with the NICU doc today,my mom came with me into this little room with a nurse a neonatologist and a social worker.

Right there at that point this doctor told me that my child was really struggling to live and that he felt that she wouldn't make it,if even another night.

He said her lungs are too badly damaged,and her heart wasn't doing her much good either,with two holes in it.

He knew that i hadn't broke down yet,he knew i was strong but he was speaking words that would chew me up and spit me out.

My mom thought i was living in another world,she thought i had totally lost it,i'm saying that my baby will live and that doctor is telling me no.

I sat there day in and day out and i prayed that she get stronger everyday.

Everyday she did get stronger,they just said she wouldn't make it,and 24 hours later she is extubated and put on CPAP.

She didn't have to be intubatec again even though they said she would.

Do you believe in god???

2008-03-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure two of my friend's in believe in anything right now.
Baby Torran that i had mentioned in a past post,is not looking so good,
right now he has a double sided inter cranial hemhorrage,as well as an infection.
As parents following the NICU ritual's,it makes it harder to face what you are going through,and most times you feel as though you are the only one in the world going through it,you wouldn't really believe that others have been there,but it is just part of that depression.
As a mom it makes you feel numb.
On the other side,having been there done that,i can only offer Lesley and Bruce my support,i do first hand understand that numbness that holds your body in a lock as you hear doctors tell you that your child may not survive.
It is on eof the hardest things that us as parents encounter and something that you would not wish upon your worst enemy.
I have asked all the angels that helped and protected mikiya,be with torran at this time,i have asked that if there is a god...and i know there is,to spare this family the pain and to give them strength and bring them healing in this time.

2008-03-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Birthday number two is approaching quickly,everyday i look at this bright blue eyed baby girl,sometimes i find it hard to believe that she is really mine.

It's also hard looking back on what happened two years ago,i'm quite sure it is something that i will never forget.

I know i have to get over it and let things lye.

She is your typical two year old,she is all over the plave all of the time,she doesn't stop!!!

It's just another ordinary miracle today......

2008-03-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

Today i find my life gratifying,i feel important,i feel that my knowledge has helped somebody overcome the toughest part of their life.
Deciding something that was left in god's hands and you have taken it into yoyr own hands.
Today baby Torran was born @ 27 wks,he weighed in @ 2lbs 5ozs,Torran is an oligo and preemie baby to Lesley and Bruce,whom i met via the internet.
Lesley contaced me in hopes of more information on the condidtion,i coached her through and gave her much needed inspiration in their time of need.
I have gained a great relationship with her and i enjoy our phone coversations,at this point we have laughed,and now we have cried together.
To date this is baby number four that i have seen make it through what doctors said they wouldn't...yes...there is life after oligohydramnios,we can prove it.
Now together Lesley and Bruce face watching their son make it through NICU,i have no dought in my mind that this peanut will do just fine.

Is she really as sick as they say???

2008-02-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

By looking at her she is small,her frame still that of a tall maybe 12 month old.

This is the reason why you have heard the quote,

'DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER'

She does not most of the time look sick,maybe baggy eyes,very rarely does she huff'n' puff.

I still am however trying to figure out what she is running off of,she does not stop.i'm so exhausted.

I swear i'am running so low on energy.

She has cut her own nap from 3 hours to if 1,she eats like a bird,barely consuming much,but she loves her milk.

She is a messy baby but doesn't like dirt,and is not afraid to wipe anything on my furniture,i have resorted to putting DORA blankets on my couches.

She uses decorative flowers as a toilet cleaner in the main floor bath.

I'am constantly running after her,if i sneak out of the sliding glass doors and i'am on the phone,she marches over and hangs up the phone.

How many times can a baby break a big screen tv????....to date...twice...so far!!

She does not care that our salt water fish eats flesh and not cheerios,i guess the O's floating around is entertainment enough for her.

She also finds it entertaining to stand on the opposite side of the tank and look through at us,hollering 'I SEE YOU'

She thinks that screwdrivers go into the DVD player not disk's.

She feels that spraying chocolate milk onto the floor or carpet is a piece of art work,then when finishes ,looks at me,ask's me what i did ...'what did you do?'

Then tells me it's messy and tell's me to clean it up.

Circle of trust

2008-02-21T06:54:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple of years and through my ups and downs i was very pleased to have met a couple of people that changed my heart,women that made me laugh,ones that made me cry,ones that i have become so close too.

I'am so fortunate to have a small group of gal's that i have kept in touch with,we have all learned together the affect's of Oligo.

I met Ondrea,who lives in Florida,when i first started my battle,she was an enormous help,and to me was my angel.

Pam,there are far too many words for you,you are so far away yet sooooooooo close to my heart.

I have recently met a new girl Lesley,who is closer to me in Toronto.

She is going through what we all have exsperienced.

And we await the arrival of her preemie baby.